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This is where I will post Life Updates and the like!
I think I'mn doing a bit better than I have been, to be honest. Heel still hurts like a bastard, my entire body is sore and aching, and I've slept only about four hours today, but I do feel less shitty than I did a few days ago. Amazing what a difference it makes to be in your own space after a while. Work was rough, eight straight uninterrupted hours of wage slavery with only one working foot and a case of chronic frustration with my colleagues, but oh well. I have some clothes coming, some patches, some sewing supplies, etc. A big change to how I live my life is on its way, no matter what. I hope it ends in me joining a party or an organisational body and dressing and presenting how I please, though.
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On the topic of clothes, I just wanna rant a little about my plans for the new style I'm planning on reshaping myself into. Now, I've always aligned myself with the politics of Goths, and always loved Goth Music. Punk Fasion, however, feels much more accessible to me. So, my idea is to meld Goth and Punk themes - namely the chaotic and liberating stylings of Punk and the stark, impressive sillhouettes from Goth - to forge my own style. And, I want to make it all myself. I'll be thrifting, dyeing, cutting, sewing, stitching, dyeing again, fitting, fastening, and refitting every single piece of clothing I wear to the absolute best of my ability. Nothing whatsoever in my wardrobe will find itself a home on my body until I've made it my own. I currently have a fresh pair of Jeans filled with cool-looking metal studs on both pant legs. My plan for those is to cut a line down each pant leg and stitch in a black-dyed and tapered length of denim. The extra material from the taper should hopefully make the pant legs of the jeans wider at the cuff than at the pelvis area. I also want to add rips and tears and general roughness to the pant legs, just for style points.
There are a few things I am yet to find in thrift places (due to my lack of going to thrift places yet) that I will need before I can comfortably say that my first outfit is complete. I, of course, would love to have a Battle-Jacket. Something to wear all of my patches and pins and the like. I'll also need a shirt (or several shirts) to wear under the battle-jacket. I'd prefer to have a wide selection of long-sleeve and short-sleeve shirts to choose from, for maximum Stylising options. That actually gives me an idea, maybe I should make the sleeves of my Battle-Jacket removeable. Something to keep in mind, muehehehe... That should about do it for the actual meat of the outfit, but just as no meal is right without seasoning, no outfit is right without some accessories. The basic punk stuff is chains, wrist bands, arm bands (sometimes, just don't make it look too nazi), bags, and the like. My plan for a bag is to hopefully find a cool-looking single-shoulder bag or purse or something in a thrift place, spruce it up, and replace the strap with a length of chain. I have plenty of chain at home, cause it looks cool as fuck, so I'll probably use that. I'll then wrap the chain in tape wherever I can, some of the nice heavy-duty stuff for comfort, and make a comforter type thing to go on the chain, to prevent it from eroding my poor collar bone. For wrist-bands, I'd like to make myself some leather-and-jewellery-chain wrist thingies and spiff them up with some hammer and sickle charms, if possible. They, however, will be secondary to a linux-based wrist-computer thing I'd love to make for myself. For my waist, I wanna have a belt (of course), but I'd also love a daisy chain of literal hanging chains around my waist. It'd be a good place to hang important shit - I could just clip on a Carabiner and boom! Free storage!
I have plenty of patches and pins on order from Etsy, all either generically leftist or explicitly socialist in their imagery. Plainly, I am a political person. I love politics, socialism, etc, all the way. However, I do intend on adding some more diverse patches and pins to my clothes. Bands I enjoy listening to, of course, maybe a flag or two here and there, whatever! I do desperately want to learn embroidery, though, so I can make my own patches... I have some ideas for patches I'd really love to wear. Hypothetical SSR flags of the nations of the British Isles, for example. I would like to express my love for warhammer without accidentally supporting racism in some way, so I'll probably have to limit my representation to just the Ad Mech stuff. Warhammer is full of satire and the fandom is full of Tungsten-Skulled goons without the ability to read the actual lines themselves, let alone between them. At least the Ad Mech are just autistic and religious rather than hyper space xenophobic.
I am so tired because it is 20:50 as I'm writing this and I've not even been home an hour yet. Train delays, traffic complications, and my stupid-ass impaled foot all slowed me down today. Turned a two hour journey into about three-and-a-half. But! I'm finally home. I have that at least for myself. I'm utterly exhausted, GOD.
I'm just gonna rant for a while, for no other reason than: I do what I want. First, My attempt at extending a hand to help someone has fallen through. They completely ignored me - which is their right to do of course - but it does still sting. I do hope they're okay, and don't feel awkward or anything.
Second, my journey home was an utter nightmare. I had two trains I had to get on, with one changeover planned in the middle of the journey. That should beplenty simple, but nope. The universe had other plans, it seems. The first train was delayed by, I think, fifteen minutes? Which usually wouldn't be an issue, but the changeover was of course fifteen minutes after the first train was meant to pull into that station. Fuck! But it's okay, the conductor said he'd call ahead and ask for the train to hold off so me and the other changing passengers could get to that train I was in a very uncomfortable seat, too. Well, that train did in fact change its schedule for us.
It left a minute earlier than planned and stranded me and my fellow passengers on the platform for another thirty minutes. How kind of the people in the signal room to do that to us. Well, no matter, there's another train coming in thirty minutes. It's all good! RIGHT? WRONG! DELAYED! AGAIN!!! It just keeps getting worse and worse this evening. I was originally meant to arrive at my station for 18:10. I ended up arriving at 19:20.
I, then, have to phone up my mum to drive me home. My station is pretty far from my house, and I have a wound in my heel from stomping on a carpentry nail the day prior. I can't walk, is what I'm saying. So I wait, I think, about ten minutes for my mum to pick me up through the traffic, and get in the car. Lovely, I am finally somewhere somewhat comfortable after four days of utter pain. I, however, was trapped in that car for Another Thirty damn minutes. It should've been about a five minute drive, but the road works in the local area stretched it far far far too long. I, however, made it home fine. With some burgers waiting for me at the door.
I'm exhausted, though, so I'll call it here. I'm so done with weekend work man.
Ough, it's been a rough weekend for me man... I'm far from my home, about eighty miles away, in a house I can't find comfortable. I was under the Impression that I'd only be staying up here for two nights - Friday and Saturday - to leave today around midday. But! There was a change of plans! It was decided, without my consent, that I'd be missing a day of work to stay another night and another day!
That alone is an absolute bastard, of course, but it gets worse!
I'm in this place, eighty miles away from home, assisting with moving some rubble from the garden into a skip so that it can be desposed of legally. While I'm doing that, I somehow land my boot PERFECTLY over a nail. Said nail drives itself right through my the reinforced soles of my work boots and about a hanf-inch into my heel. I am suddenly out of commission for the work, unsurprisingly. Am I allowed to go home though? Fuck no. I've been paid to be here, so I MUST be here. Obviously. FUCK man.
I am struggling pretty bad trying to wrap my head around the CSS stuff for the site, to be honest. I've no idea why, but my pages aren't linking correctly to my stylesheet. I've double, triple, octuple, checked the code linking to my style.css file, to absolutely no avail. I'll leave the architecture in to link to the CSS file for when I do finally figure it out, of course. It just won't be functional for a little while. Meaning the website will be in black and white for a bit, and will have some really shitty formatting.
There are worse things that could happen to the site, to be fair. At least I understand how to set up the different pages now, so no more scrolling and scrolling to figure out where the hell you're meant to start reading.
I'm also actually considering backing my site up to an external drive, in the event of an absolute tragedy. I mean, the thing's gonna max out at about a Gig of total storage, so even a tiny SD card could hold it's contents thirty plus times over. I'm not trying to say I have too much "worth" saving here, I would just be distraught to see all of this work sent to shit.
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I should really consider starting an essay at some point. I'm not certain which topic should break through my first work. I've considered possibly Marxism, or an analysis of a socialist text maybe? Maybe a thinkpiece on my gender identity like the ones Bingus has posted before (You know who you are, buddy, you better be reading this). I do like the idea of finally putting into words what I feel like on the inside, but I don't want to self-indulge toooo much. Not that this entire site isn't one massive slef-indulgence, but still. My Essays should have SOME sense of restraint, especially if I plan on making them at least somewhat academic. That does remind me, when I make the temnplate for my essays, I need to remember to add a sources area to the footer.
Thinking further on the topic, I do think my personal experience with gender could be a good thing to explore in a more professional piece of writing? Though, maybe moreso as non-fiction prose than a cold and dreary essay.
My Gender is complex, one of many strings in the massive web that is my psyche. I believe particularly malleable, in the psychological sense, thanks to being both Bipolar and Autistic, and likely other things too. That malleability makes for a very complex sense of self and perception of my gender, as the different strings of my consciousness tense and loose and warp, they change the pattern of my entire being. As one string recedes, its drags all of the other strings connected to it, too. And they drag the strings connected to them, and they drag those connected to them, dragging ad infinitum ad insanitum.
I think I will make a post about my gender. I don't care if this idea is entirely stolen from one BINGUS, I love thievery and I don't respect their intellectual property rights.
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It's getting pretty late. I have had a rough couple weeks. Questions up in the air about my health, about my future, about my life in general, about my relationships with the people I love. So many things going on, so many questions all unanswered. I'm dreading the coming weeks. I'm dreading finally being medicated. It's such a terrible Limbo I'm trapped within, as no path leads to salvation. Only different flavours and different intensities of damnation.
I hate that the way I write tends to come off as so very melodramatic, but my writing style is the only way I feel I can refine what I'm saying to as accurate a point as possible.
Anyway, I just hope I can find a solution to all of this. Ideally the one that leaves the fewest people possible hating me, but you know. To be fair, I think the only thing stopping me from making the decision I want to make right now is my fears of how other people would recieve this decision. How disappointed or angry or sad or betrayed or whatever they might feel.
Oh there's no point in being equivocal about this matter, this is as close to an anonymous place as I'll get that isn't a Diary. I'm reconsidering education and work; I don't know if I want to keep working or if I want to pursue higher education in a local university. I feel so trapped in my work, and I'm not sure if that's a result of me being a bipolar weirdo that'll never feel anything close to settled, or if I'm genuinely disgruntled with the path my life is taking, the people I am surrounding myself with at work. I can't be myself at my job. I can't be non-binary, I can't be Aleph, I can't present the way I want to, I can't dress or speak or act how I want, I can't hold my true political views because the people I work with are so insanely far-right that the mere concepts of politeness, kindness, and human dececny are Marxist Propaganda in their eyes.
It's unbelievably frustrating to have a box drawn around you, to have your life defined for you, to be chained around your neck that tightens with social friction every time you wish only to speak your mind. I'm stifled in this job. Socially, educationally, politically. I'm a gear in the machinations of someonme else's dreams, and I hate it. Watch me forget about feeling any of this in just a week's time. Fuck.
I'm waxing melodramatic again. I should really log off and go to bed.